putting my trust in the Lord

Sometimes I wonder why we make things so difficult on ourselves. I am the queen at making my situations more stressful and harder than they need to be by trying to bare my burdens myself. Why do I do that?

Just before Jared had turned one, we felt strongly that it was time to try for another baby. We originally planned to wait a couple of years in between, but we couldn't ignore the promptings we had received. Since Jared came unexpected, but so happily welcomed, we figured we wouldn't have any problems trying for the next. It took almost a year for us to get pregnant, which was extremely humbling and difficult. When I was about nine weeks pregnant we lost the baby. It was a really drawn out situation, with several visits to the doctors and a trip to the emergency room. To say it was difficult is an understatement. Within two weeks I had experienced more ups and downs than I probably have in my whole life. One minute I felt at peace and felt that it was meant to be and the next was complete confusion, anger, and sadness. I never realized how heart breaking a miscarriage could be. At times I almost felt silly for being so sad about it, realizing that people  have even more challenging situations. In that year I had two friends who had gone into labor early and had still born babies. I can't imagine the pain they must have felt. My heart goes out to them and hopes that they may find peace they need. I think though, that for any mother, once you have knowledge of that sweet spirit inside you feel their presence you are changed forever. They are precious precious spirits. 

A little over a month after our loss, I felt like I had turned a new leaf, I had gained composure over my life and felt like things were going to work out. I was certain that we would be blessed again very soon with another sweet spirit. After a few months of no results, and a bad case of the baby blues I hit rock bottom. For the next year I felt my faith dwindling and felt so angry and sad. It is so hard to see the big picture sometimes and to understand why we are going through certain trials. It has been a little over a year now since we had our loss and we still aren't pregnant. It has been very recent that I finally felt like I have been more on a high note and that my faith has been growing. I have felt okay with how things are and have tried harder to trust in the Lord and his timing. I am trying to get myself back together and trying to take better care of myself. I've felt pretty good.

This last week though, I had two people hint that they thought I was with child and in a round about way asked if I was due. I tried to blow it off and not take it to be offensive. It didn't feel great, but I felt okay because I am working on myself. But today at church I fell apart. A sweet lady in the Primary Presidency came up to me during sharing time and whispered in my ear that she had been meaning to ask when we were expecting our baby, because she wanted to make sure to "balance out" the teachers. I was mortified! I responded in the kindest way I possibly could and tried my very best to hold back the tears, but it was impossible. Those tears were not going to hide and they were not going to stop any time soon. I tried so hard to conceal them because I didn't want to make her feel worse than she already had for asking that question. I looked down at the ground and hoped that my hair would mask some of the water dripping down my face, but then one of my primary kids noticed and loudly pointed out to everyone else that I was crying. Suddenly I had at least a dozen set of eyes on me wondering why I was suddenly falling apart. I had to race to the bathroom for some time to gain my composure and sitting through the rest of church was agonizing. Not only was I upset because I currently am parading around looking like I am with child, and that is a horrible feeling, but I was once again reminded of the sweet spirit that is no longer with me, and a reminder that I have yet to be blessed with another one. Ugh. 

It's so hard sometimes to trust in the Lord's timing or why we have to go through certain trials! But I know I must. A recent witness to this has to do with Steve and his future career. He has been doing an internship this past year teaching high school English. He has LOVED it! He loves the people in his department and they seem to love him. Well, we both thought that because of his performance there and the positive feedback, among other things that it was almost certain he would receive a permanent spot there next year. We knew there would be a chance he wouldn't get it, but I think we both had put almost all our eggs in that basket. We spent a lot of time theoretically planning our lives there the next few years or more. I don't think either of us spent much time considering if this was where we were really supposed to be. We didn't involve the Lord in our plans and assumed things. So about a month ago Steve asked his principle what his chances were that he would be hired there next year and the principle told him that because of budget and the fact that the following year there was going to be a new jr. high and all the ninth grade would be shipped there, that they were just going to hire on interns next year. That would save them from worrying about having to fire someone after one year, etc. So that ended up being kind of a blow, but it was humbling. It got us conversing with the Lord and including him in our plans. We decided to put our trust in him and know that he would lead us to where we needed to be. Last week Steve's principle told him that they thought about it more and they like him enough to move things around and make it work so that they can keep him on for next year, as well as have a guaranteed spot for the following year, whether or not it's at the jr high or high school. We were thrilled.  know the Lord is aware of our needs and situations and if we put our faith in him, our lives will be enriched and he will help us make the right decisions and help us through our trials.  Sometimes it's so easy to forget. This past year has been so difficult, but I know that it's time for me to let it all go and let the Lord ease my pain. I need to trust that he knows what is best for me and my family.

~ up-date ~

My darling friend Katie posted this quote on her blog and I just had to share. I feel like it sums up what I felt through this post.
Love you Katie!

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses, applied simultaneously.  They are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more.  He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.  To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be, requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain... This life is an experience in profound trust...Trust in Jesus Christ."

  -Elder Richard G. Scott