Mother's Day

{b.t.w. the sign says "plus one". I should have put a space between the plus sign and O, but I when I was making it, I didn't really think it would be hard to figure out what it said. I realized my mistake when several people thought it said "tone". So if you ever decide to do something like this, hopefully you will learn from my mistake.}

I've been looking forward to this Mother's Day for quite some time. Six weeks to be exact. Six weeks ago we found out that we were finally expecting. Finally! After trying for over two and half years, and losing a sweet little one, it finally happened. I have been waiting for this sweet spirit to come and fill the holes that were left in my heart. When I found out we were expecting I was so completely overwhelmed with joy. I had taken so many pregnancy tests over these past couple of years with the hope of seeing that double line or positive sign. Finally those double lines appeared again. I cried and cried, and then cried some more. Then I told the husband and cried again. Then we went out and got some Martinelli's and cookies and celebrated the new spirit we have been blessed with. Then I cried a lot the next few days. I couldn't believe it had finally happened. I've been crying a lot since then, but I think that is the hormones at work.

Steve really wanted to wait to tell anyone until I had at least been to the doctor's to see that things were going well. This was SO hard for me. I am not good at keeping this kind of news and I really wanted an explanation to my family when I would break down in tears over nothing, numerous times. I was beginning to look like a crazy lady. We both decided that Mother's day weekend would be a good time to share with our close family and friends, since I would be about ten and a half weeks along, coming close to the "all clear" time. So, we gave the picture shown above to our family who lives close by and I was going to send a message with the picture to the rest of our family and close friends, via email and facebook. I created an event, that I thought was private, and invited a few people to share this news with. To my horror, a few minutes later I began to receive messages from several people who I hadn't planned on sharing this news with yet. Somehow the announcement that I thought was private, had become public! While I was grateful for all the kind remarks, I was also mortified.

I wasn't ready to share with everyone, not ready at all. Today I read a post on one of my favorite blogs, and I realized how fragile things still are. Sharing this news with everyone makes our situation seem even more fragile and scary. It felt safe to share our news with our families, but sharing it with everyone feels scary.

We still have a week and a half before the "all clear", but even then I don't know if I will feel settled. I think I will still be holding my breathe. I can only trust that things will be okay, and that the Lord is aware and wont make me go through anything that I can't handle. I don't think I can handle losing another one, though. I can't. So here is to hoping and praying that all continues to go well, and that I will get to meet this sweet little spirit when it is expected. Oh how I wait for that day. I already love you so much, sweet little baby. So much.

I am so grateful for Jared and the wonderful light he brings into my life. He is the sweetest, funniest, craziest, bright, little boy. I am so lucky to be his Momma and call him my son. I am so grateful my Heavenly Father trusted me with such a special spirit.

My heart is so full. I couldn't have asked for a better mother's day. To have the opportunity to share this good news, and to have the chance to reflect on how blessed I am to be a momma, is so amazing.